


In The Darkness

by Sylvia_Fey



Category: Poetry and Random Ramblings
Genre: Darkness, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hatred, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other, Pain, Poetry, References to Depression, Sadness, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, i'm FINE
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-05-14 03:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19265110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylvia_Fey/pseuds/Sylvia_Fey
Summary: Just a bunch of random thoughts and poetry that I've written down. A lot of it is dark and deals a great deal with depression and loneliness, so if that isn't your thing, keep moving. Not all of it's going to be sad and moapy, but most of it will be. Honestly, I just need a place to write down my random thoughts so I can write on my fanfics.





	1. Strength and Masks

When someone else cries and wants to die

You're there to tell them how good they have it.

You hem and you haw at how great their life is,

But when it's your turn, you can't muster the energy.

Consumed by the dark, you sob and cry

Alone

 

When someone's world is falling apart,

You stand with them, holding the worst at bay,

But when your world is falling down around you

You're left standing with the weight on your shoulders

Alone

 

Your knees buckle

Your head hangs

You cry out for help

But nobody comes

Tears falling down your face

dripping into the pool of misery surrounding you

Consuming you

 

You find a dark corner where you can cry alone

Locked away in a room of self-doubt that nobody knows you have

Because God forbid the weak realize the strong are weak themselves

 

Nobody ever asks if the strong are alright

Instead, assuming they'll be fine

"They're fine" is always the answer

But is it?

 

Sometimes you need a rock

Sometimes the strong need a rock

Sometimes they have to be their own rock

Sometimes the edge of a knife looks so inviting

Blade against the wrist

A quick slash up is all it would take to end this pain

To end this misery

To end this suffering

But you don't do it

 

You're strong, but not strong enough to end it

Or maybe too strong to end it

Either way, you cry yourself to sleep

Hoping

Maybe tomorrow I won't have to be strong

Maybe tomorrow, I don't have to plaster on that smile

Maybe tomorrow, I'll forget the mask

But you don't

 

The sun brings the new day

You put on that mask

Plaster on that smile

Tell yourself everything's okay as you wipe the tears

 

Nobody would ever know that you're broken

The thoughts that race in your head

Making their home in the confines of your mind

poisoning the simple, joyful tasks you once enjoyed

 

Everything's a chore now

You're there for everyone

Including yourself

Because nobody's there for you

Nobody would understand

The aching pain that you feel every day of your life

Every waking moment

Every dark thought

You scream and cry and beg

But still, nothing

 

A kind word would be enough

A simple gesture would bring back the joy

Anything to smile for real

 

You spent your life pretending to care

Pretending to smile

 

What's a real smile anymore?

What's real happiness?

 

You push these questions away

Why?

Because the strong don't think like that

The strong don't break down

The strong don't cry out for help

The strong don't need anyone

 

Lies

 

Fake emotions cover up the real ones

Making light of the dark that's consuming you

Tempting you to end it

 

Strength is a curse

It means you can handle anything

 

Lies

 

You can only handle so much 

Before you become so broken and twisted

That you don't even recognize yourself

You don't know who you've become

 

The pain you've stifled has twisted you

Twisted your emotions

Consumed everything in you that was once light

 

Now all that's left is the mask

The one you wear to pretend

The one you wear to deceive

The one that shows everyone a side of you you wish you could feel

 

But when the mask slips

You pretend it's not a common thing

Pretend that you didn't cry yourself to sleep the night before

Pretend you don't think about dying

 

Because you're strong

And strong people don't think like that


	2. I'm Fine

It's often when I'm alone that the darkness gets darker

That I start to think and feel things I stifle

The things I keep to myself because nobody cares

Not my husband

Not my friends

Not my family

Alone with feelings and emotions that nobody would understand

Emotions that I can't explain, nor want to

They always get me in trouble

I either say too much or not enough

Leaving people speechless

So I laugh about it

What else can I do when you look at me like that?

Like I'm insane

Like you're sorry you asked

Like I shouldn't have said anything at all

So I'm silent

I stifle and put on a smile and pretend that everything's alright

That my life is fine

That I'm fine

That nothing's wrong 

When everything is

 

I hurt

Everyday I hurt and nobody sees it

I stifle the pain and live with it

Because I've gotten good at wearing the mask

The one that I created to protect myself

And wonder why nobody sees _ME_

Why I don't even see _ME_

 

You get so used to the mask you're wearing

You don't even see who you used to be

Who you _WANT_ to be

 

I don't want to be  _THIS_

What I've become

I don't want to  _FEEL_ this way

But no matter how hard I try

 I can't feel anything else

I can't feel happy

I don't even know what happy feels like some days

Some days it's just the pain

Just the sadness and darkness and pain

 

I want to feel happy

I want to feel something that doesn't hurt

I just... want

 

Something as simple as a hug

A touch

A kiss

Being held until the hurt goes away

Or just until it's soothed enough that I can go on another day

Someone that asks if I'm okay and doesn't believe me when I say "I'm Fine" over and over

I'm not fine

I'm never fine

I'm just wearing my mask today

I'm just doing what I think is socially acceptable

I'm just stifling the pain I need to scream out loud

Smile and the pain goes away

Smile and you'll eventually feel happiness

When will this be true for me?

I'm not fine 

But I'll keep wearing this mask until the day I die

Because I don't want anyone to see what I really feel

What's the point when no one cares

No one will ever care

Not even the people that are supposed to care

I'm... Fine


End file.
